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Desperately Seeking a Facebook Stalker

Maren Wade’s Confessions of a Showgirl: Desperately Seeking a Facebook Stalker

I’ve always wanted a Facebook stalker. I think it would be so sweet to check your inbox every day and read a loving message from an adoring fan. After all, who doesn’t want to be told in great detail that she is the object of someone’s obsession?

We live in a world where we feel under-appreciated much of the time. We spend our days striving to be better but then beat ourselves up for our mistakes. So when someone comes along who lets you know they love you the way you are, and that you should never change, and never leave them, it’s refreshing! I think that kind of unqualified support is what’s missing from society today.

And let’s not forget how important social media can be to a showgirl’s career. A Facebook stalker is an automatic like on every post. And since Facebook promotes posts with more comments, this improves your social media presence, which in turn promotes your career and helps you get more Facebook stalkers!

I would find it flattering, considering all the friends a person can have, that a Facebook stalker would neglect all other responsibilities in life just to follow my profile. Facebook stalkers should be appreciated for taking the time to absorb all that real-time information and for their dedication to detail. Monitoring a profile so closely is a full-time job.

There was this one guy who friend-requested me. He really seemed like he had Facebook-stalking potential so I gave him a shot. I could just imagine him looking at all my pictures, following my every Facebook move.

Occasionally, I would like some of his status updates, so it wouldn’t feel so one-sided. In fact, I started liking a lot of them. This guy was really good looking. Then the weirdest thing happened: He stopped liking all of my posts. (Okay, I have a confession to make. He only liked one post. But it was a really good one.) So I sent him a personal message. Or two. Or five. You know, just to encourage him.

But he just disappeared. I went to send him another message and suddenly I couldn’t find him on Facebook. It was bizarre because at first he was so active on social media, posting pictures of what he ate, who he was with, how he looked. I could keep tabs on him all day.

So I got worried and looked for him on Instagram, but I couldn’t see him because I wasn’t following him. I’m certain I was following him before. I guess there was a glitch in the system because I tried to follow him again and it said I couldn’t. The Instagram technology team should really get their act together. I mean, if they want millions of people to use their platform, they should make sure it’s working properly. How are people going to use Instagram if they can’t follow who they want to follow? Pretty embarrassing, if you ask me.

Anyway, even though this guy didn’t work out, I think everyone should have a Facebook stalker to enrich his or her life. I’m still waiting for mine. I might even post a little more if I knew he was watching. It would just be nice to know someone out there cares as much as I do.

Oh well, back to checking my news feed for potential Facebook stalkers. Let’s see what’s going on today … Hey! There’s that guy who disappeared. He’s tagged with some of my showgirl friends, so he must still have a Facebook profile. Then why can’t I find him?

Hmmm. Maybe if I can figure out where he lives, I could let him know that he’s got a problem with his Facebook page.


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